Raindrops on Roses, and Whiskers on Shot Glasses

These are a few of my fav-o-rite things...

This little guy measures exactly 1 ounce at the tips of his ears. Perfect for quick measurements, and the cutest damned thing in my whole kitchen.

Gotta love not poisoning your system with plastic bottles.

My mom gave me these (with some gentle catalog hinting) from Anthropologie (next to Target, the greatest place on earth). They are a gaggle of porcelain measuring cups. Gorgeous, but delicate (look at those necks!) so I use these as back-ups for my battered metal cups when the sink is full of dirty dishes.

Old Faithful.

And shouldn't every kitchen have a watchdog?

Originally posted at Missionless Statement

RECIPE: Rickey's Tasty Tamil Tenders

In Rickey's latest recipe, he figured he’d share something a tad more exotic than your run of the mill stew this time around. For those of you already fretting about the possible complexity of this dish, have no fear: cooking Indian food doesn’t need to be difficult or even remotely challenging. In fact, other than setting off the smoke alarm while making this dish, Rickey was for the most part, calm as a Hindu cow while whipping up this dish. Got a broiler and about $20 in your wallet? Well then you’re in business skippy. You see, Rickey loves cooking, but being an incredibly lazy man, he prefers preparing succulent dishes with the minimal possible effort. So behold! This wondrous recipe only calls for three major ingredients:

1) Tandoori mix from your local Indian Grocery store (find yours, pronto). Here’s a link to the particular mix Rickey likes to use.

2) Large container of Greek yogurt—preferably Fage. Don’t get cute and opt for plane jane yogurt as this recipe requires the tanginess that only swarthy Mediterranean cows can provide.

3) Boneless chicken breasts. You can splurge on organic ones if you’re feeling frisky, but frankly, Rickey has never been able to discern between free range chicken and that of the Perdue variety.

What's better than a recipe requiring a scant three ingredients? How about a recipe featuring a scant three steps?

1) Mix together the yogurt and the tandoori paste. There are measurements to follow on the back of the tandoori packet, but Rickey says damn the torpedoes and just add enough tandoori paste to the yogurt until the sauce is a dark yellowish/brownish color. The more paste you add, the spicier the sauce will be. Those in search of something less gastronomically provocative can always add less. Do what you want: you’re the hero of this story, not us.

2) Cut the chicken breasts into bite sized pieces, and marinate them in the sauce in the refrigerator for three hours. For the record, Rickey loves marinating things. Is there a better feeling than being free to play Guitar Hero III with the blessed assurance that seriously good shit is transpiring in your fridge? We think not.

3) Thread the chicken on skewers, brush the pieces with melted butter (or ghee, which is Indian clarified butter and yields a better taste). Broil or grill the skewers for 4 to 5 minutes per side, turning once and brushing again. Here’s what the end result should look like:


Is it authentic Indian food? Not particularly, no. But then again, neither are other westernized Indian dishes like Chicken Tikka Masala, and you think they’re pretty damned tasty, don’t you? If we can use an analogy, Rickey's recipe is to authentic Indian cuisine as the Epcot version of Paris is to the real thing. But for faux Indian food, it's not half bad, and besides, you don't really feel like grinding cumin seeds in a mortar and pestle, do you?

And no, broiling probably won’t yield the same results as a proper tandoori oven, but unless you’ve got LTTE members constructing a large clay furnace in your back yard, the broiling method will have to do for now. Also, most Indian grocery stores sell coriander chutney which is very good for dipping the chicken pieces in. Add some basmati rice to the chicken pieces and voila, you’ve got yourself a no fuss Indian meal.

Best of luck (and try not to set the smoke alarm off like Rickey did).

RECIPE: Rickey's Irish Stew

Being a northeasterner by trade, Rickey rather enjoys the wintery months and has come to expect a seasonal chill in the air from November through March. Therefore, when the jet stream goes all wonky and it’s suddenly 60 degrees in January, Rickey gets very confused and angry and decides that corrective action must be taken. And what is that corrective action, you might ask? Why cooking a hearty winter stew of course (what? You though Rickey would try to reduce his carbon footprint? Nah, that shtick is for suckers). Housewives and hobbits everywhere agree—a flavorful stew is an essential part of winter cuisine. Who cares if you were wearing shorts yesterday? It’s 32 freaking degrees again and you’re going to cook appropriately godamnit.

We like cooking up a dish that requires slow simmering on low heat for several hours—thereby filling one’s abode with earthy aromas. More importantly, we also love the stew because, in general, Rickey enjoys preparing food that requires very little attention beyond some initial chopping and pan frying. Think of a good stew as sort of a “fire and forget” weapon in your arsenal of cooking abilities. (In other words, they’re pretty hard to fuck up).

So give Rickey’s Irish Stew recipe a shot, it’s got everything you need: protein, carbohydrates, vegetables, a plethora of seasonings, and most importantly, two different varieties of booze. It’s perfect for a frostbitten Sunday afternoon. We dunno…. when the Giants are playing the Packers on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field perhaps? Once you’re done with the stew, don’t forget a loaf of crusty bread to sop up the stew. Forget utensils: you owe it to yourself to savor this dish like an indentured peasant from days of yore. Alright, we know, enough foreplay Rickey, here’s the recipe:

1/4 cup olive oil (not Bertolini’s, the good stuff)
2 pounds stew beef, cut into 1-inch pieces (or lamb, if you’re feeling gamey)
6 large garlic cloves, minced (good for the heart and guaranteed to keep loved ones and vampires away)
6 cups beef stock or canned beef broth
1 cup of Guinness Draught (or more)
1 cup of fine red wine (again, or more)
2 tablespoons tomato paste
1 tablespoon sugar
1 tablespoon dried thyme
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
2 bay leaves
1/4 stick butter
3 pounds russet potatoes, peeled, cut into 1/2-inch pieces (about 7 cups)
1 large onion, chopped up
2 cups cut peeled carrots
Salt and Pepper
Chopped fresh parsley

Heat the olive oil in a heavy large pot over medium-high heat. Coat the beef in flour and sauté it until it’s brown on all sides. Add the garlic and sauté it for another minute or so. Add the beef stock, Guinness, red wine, tomato paste, sugar, thyme, Worcestershire sauce and bay leaves. Stir it all together then bring mixture to boil. Reduce the heat to medium-low, then cover it and simmer for 1 hour, stirring occasionally.

Meanwhile in another part of the kitchen, melt the butter in another large pot over medium heat. Add the potatoes, onion and carrots. Sauté the vegetables until they’re golden brown, (about 20 minutes). Set ‘em aside until the beef stew mixture has simmered for one hour.

Once it has, add the vegetables to the beef stew. Put the lid back on and simmer until vegetables and beef are very tender. This could take anywhere from an hour to two hours--just test the meat every now and then for tenderness. Add salt and pepper to your liking, remove the bay leaves, and serve the stew sprinkled with chopped parsley on top.

Even for the Naughty Ones

I think animals sense the holidays. After all, suddenly there’s a big tree inside the house replete with chew toys hanging all over it. Something is up. Everybody seems stressed out. And the people-who-control-the-food seem to always be eating…always. So, why leave the pooches out of the holiday feasting? And even if you don’t buy my theory about CSP (Canine Sensory Perception), these goodies are a thoughtful gift to the humans in your life who dote on their dogs. The recipe is incredibly simple, and let’s face it, who’s going to complain that they aren’t “butter-y” enough or whine that you’ve blown their diet? Cooking for those who can’t critique, or at least, can’t critique eloquently, is the way to go. So here are the Christmas cookies you won’t mind dropping on the floor (like I did…parchment paper is slippery as hell).

1 ¾ cup whole wheat flour (I used white because I had it…)
½ cup oatmeal
¼ cup wheat bran (what? I’m not buying wheat bran for this…)
½ cup of cornmeal (I’ll just double this instead…)
½ teaspoon salt
1 egg
½ cup beef or chicken stock
½ cup butter, shortening, or meat drippings

Mix up all the dry ingredients (or your version of them). Add the shortening/drippings till you have an oatmeal consistency. I went a little overboard in this area and boiled a chicken carcass I had lying around (does that make you uncomfortable?) and used the resulting schmaltz. Glorious, glorious schmaltz. Ahem. Anyway. Then add the stock so that your dough forms a ball. Knead it for a couple minutes, and roll on a floured surface. It should be about ½ inch thick. Cut it into whatever shapes you fancy. I used a bone-shaped cookie cutter.

I was going to make some cat-shaped ones, but the skinny tail looked like both a burn-risk and a choking hazard. Don't ya think?

Bake at 350 for about a half hour and voila! When the Dog Revolution comes, you may be up against the wall, but only because they’re humping your leg...in a loving way.

Give Thanks!

Football and James Bond marathons on the television? Boxed wine socially acceptable? An inexplicable desire to eat from the second you open your eyes this morning.? Oh yes, it must be Thanksgiving Day!

Like most holidays, Thanksgiving's origins are somewhat disconnected from its contemporary form. A History Channel special last night taught me that Thanksgiving was indeed linked to this nation's earliest settlers, the Pilgrims, and their desire to share and celebrate their life in this New World with the local, indigenous people, the Native Americans. It was we (white folk) who were the illegal immigrants so many years ago! And these continental squatters did their best to improve the land, to till the earth and to make for a new life for themselves and their families.

And as the United States of America grew, so did the tradition of Thanksgiving. By 1864, President Lincoln declared the last Thursday of November to be a national holiday of giving thanks. Politically, Lincoln may have already had the reconciliation between the North and South in mind (the holiday decree came after the pivotal battle of Gettysburg). But to understand Thanksgiving is to know this nation's history. Why is the turkey the traditional main course for this holiday? Because our founding fathers (particularly Benjamin Franklin, who wanted the bird to be our national symbol instead of the scavenger Bald Eagle!) adored this native wild game. Yes, in the late 18th Century, people regarded the turkey as a noble creature! And why did the last Thursday in November become the holiday? Partly because a popular widower/publisher named Sarah Josepha Hale (the Oprah Winfrey of her time) wrote letters and editorials repeatedly asking for this particular day to be a national holiday.

Seeing today's holiday through the eyes of centuries past is an important exercise. We enjoy a lot of luxuries that our predecessors could not have imagined possible. In fact, you don't even need to go that far back into history to understand how quickly life is moving in this country. Think back fifteen years ago, before everyone was on the internet. Think of how shopping for presents meant you HAD TO go to a store. Now, you can choose to stay at home and click away all of your efforts. But the important stuff, the fact that we don't have to hunt for our own food or worry about how a head cold could mean death, is what matters most on this day. Life may not be easy for many people out there, but it isn't nearly as difficult as what our ancestors (not only from America, but from all over the world) had to endure.

So, enjoy the day. Eat, drink and repeat the process until you find it difficult to breathe. And take a quick moment to give thanks to those whom you've never known that have helped make this life of plenty possible. Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Haleyween!

I love this holiday. And not just because I can stick my name in it and let the inner egomaniac out to play. The costumes, the pumpkins, the candy, the begging children, it's just all so wonderful!

But I am ready for it to be over, and here is why: channel surfing has become a dangerous sport in the last couple weeks. I'll be happily flipping along and suddenly I'm watching a trucker brandishing a chainsaw in the air, or an evil clown peering out of a drain, or someone WITHOUT SKIN. This has really been putting a damper on my television viewing habits. I'm ready for the airwaves to be safe for wusses like me again.

Anyway, I present to you my family's offering of jack-o-lanterns this year. Mine is the surprised looking guy on the right. Too bad you can see his candle epiglottis. My sister's is the cyclops. Take a guess who the creative one in the family is.

And the best costume award goes to Grandma. She knows how to rock a mask and a leopard hat.

Although, this is an awfully realistic dog costume.

Rickey Salutes the Bloody Mary

As a rule, Rickey enjoys consuming spicy things. And in case you hadn’t noticed, Rickey also enjoys alcohol. So it comes as no surprise that if a wondrous adult beverage existed that combined spiciness and alcohol content, Rickey would be all over it like a donkey on a waffle. And indeed, such a magical drink does indeed exist: the Bloody Mary. And for those of you who have never taken the time to make one your own, trust us, they’re completely delicious.

Sadly, only two other people in Rickey’s life profess to enjoy Bloody Marys: Ms. Henderson’s grandmother, and a college buddy of Rickey’s from Texas who prefaces all public conversations with the word “gentlemen…” So clearly this Bloody Mary thing isn’t a widespread phenomenon just yet. That’s where you, the reader come in. Rickey’s taking time out from his busy schedule to educate you on this fantastic yet woefully unappreciated drink, so listen well.

First, let’s discuss consumption locales. The peculiar thing about drinking a Bloody Mary is that there is most certainly a time and place for it. Over the years, Rickey has set out to determine exactly what those precise times and places are. We’ve come up with the following list:

1. While tailgating (highly unorthodox, we know)
2. On an airplane or in an airport
3. At a horse race
4. At a cockfight
5. While bowling
6. And, finally, on boats. Always on boats.

In other words, don’t go into a nightclub and expect the bartender to serve you a Bloody Mary with a straight face. It’s a rookie error, and it’s also for your own damn good. That’s because any Bloody Mary made in a bar or restaurant will never, ever taste as good as the one you meticulously craft in your own home. And as a rule, store-bought Bloody Mary mixes should be avoided like the plague. While making one from scratch requires a fair amount of ingredients, Rickey promises that the resulting drink is worth the time and materials spent on its production. Rickey’s recipe follows below. We even included the precise amounts for those of you too timid to eyeball things. Feel free to adjust the ingredient measurements to taste—Rickey prefers a strong drink that induces a taste bud explosion.

• 1 3/4 oz. pepper vodka, preferably Absolut Peppar


• 5 oz. tomato juice (not v8 you jackass)


• Juice from a freshly squozen lime


• 1 teaspoon diced fresh horseradish


• Kosher salt (does any other kind of salt exist?)


• A dash of olive juice


• Several liberal dashes of Worcestershire sauce


• Several liberal dashes of Tabasco sauce


• Freshly cracked black pepper

Place all ingredients in a martini shaker and proceed to shake vigorously. You won’t get the same effect from stirring it, trust us. Pour the finished drink into a highball glass (preferably, one of the Duralex variety) and proceed to enjoy the flavorful goodness. Feel free to add celery as a garnish, but if you’re really under the impression that this drink has any nutritional value beyond its ridiculously high Vitamin C content, you’re even further gone than we’d suspected. Besides, Rickey prefers garnishing his Bloody Marys with olives. Give them a shot—in time, so will you.